Article and Photo Courtesy of Organized Christmas
Time, finances, or changing family circumstances sometimes require
adjustments to the holiday gift list. Will this be the year you renegotiate
gift exchanges?
Where has your gift-giving overstepped the bounds? Has an exchange with
a friend or neighbor grown too expensive and elaborate over the years?
Perhaps it's over-elaborate expectations for adult family gifts, or an
outgrown exchange with old school friends. Office gifts and "Secret
Santa" exchanges can mushroom into an onerous obligation after a few
years.
Will you be the brave soul who calls a halt?
Yes, it's scary to be the first to state the obvious: that the given
exchange has become unreasonable and burdensome. Nobody wants to be a Scrooge,
and most of us feel we're all alone in resenting a gift exchange that's reached
the end of the reasonable road.
Surprise! If you feel the ritual has been outgrown, chances are, the
other participants agree. Most people heave a giant sigh of relief to reach an
understanding in such cases.
Take the lead! By reshaping a gift exchange that's lost it's meaning,
you'll save time, money, and stress. Most of all, you'll bring the holidays
back to their center: a celebration of life, love and friendship.
To Do Today
Renegotiate outgrown gift exchanges
Today, review and renegotiate adult gift giving. Can you simplify your
family's "unwritten rules" to bring meaning back to seasonal gift
exchanges?
Draw names and set a price limit for a gift exchange. Could your family
dispense with adult gifts in favor of gifts to charity or family service
project?
Set up a birthday/anniversary calendar
Take a tip from organized gift-givers to simplify holiday shopping next
year: buy each loved one's Christmas gift when you purchase their birthday
gift. By focusing on one recipient at a time, gift-giving is more
efficient--and spreading the financial burden over the year helps the holiday
bottom line.
Print the above birthday/anniversary calendar to track special events
around the year.
Understand The Unwritten Rules
of Gift-Giving
Need help understanding why you give as you do? Examine the unwritten
rules of gift-giving--and grab some tips to reshape stale gift exchanges--with
this article:
Christmas is coming! Do you understand the unwritten rules of
gift-giving?
Each of us carries within ourselves a set of rules about gift-giving.
Seldom acknowledged and rarely discussed, these rules determine what we give,
how much we give, and to whom we give.
Despite living only in our minds and expectations, the unwritten rules
of gift-giving govern everything from the office Secret Santa exchange to the
family's morning under the Christmas tree.
Problem is, “unwritten” means that gift-giving rules are subject to
interpretation—both in our own minds, and in our dealings with others. Even in
a single family, it's common to find members with radically different ideas
when it comes to "the rules" of gift-giving.
Why is it so important to get a grip on the rules behind holiday giving
before we make our Christmas gifts list?
First, if you don’t understand why you gift as you do, it’s easy to
enter the land of the absurd: making a midnight raid on the supermarket’s toy
aisle when you discover that one child’s stocking holds fewer gifts than his
brother’s.
Second, following one version of the unwritten rules can lead to
conflict with loved ones., who may hold a different view. Scratch the surface
of gift-giving disagreements, and you’re likely to find a rules conflict.
Young adults take on debt to give their own parents gifts the empty
nesters neither need nor use. A determined crafter feels let down when a
handmade gift—the product of hours of work --is unwrapped to a lukewarm
response from the recipient. None of the parties can address the real conflict
unless they understand the source: a failure to share the same assumptions
about the act of giving.
The place to start? By understanding your own set of gift-giving rules.
Bringing “the rules” into focus is the first step to bringing sanity and
simplicity back to the season—and being clear about your own underlying
gift-giving assumptions can ease conflicts with others.
How do you and your family interpret the following gift-giving rules?
There are no right or wrong answers:
- Get a gift, give a gift: gift exchanges must be reciprocal.
- Even-Steven: gift exchanges must be of equal value.
- Once begun, never undone: gift exchanges, once established, must not change.
- Come one, come all: gift exchanges must extend to every member of a relationship category.
- Get a gift, give a gift
It’s a few days before Christmas, and the doorbell rings. A neighbor
appears, offering a pretty basket of quick breads. You thank her, and
graciously—but your heart sinks because you haven’t prepared gifts for the
neighbors this year, much less baked goods.
Gotcha! You've just been tripped by reciprocity: the belief that for
every gift received, one must be given.
As a general rule, reciprocity has an even-handed fairness to it, but
applied to cases, it can be overbearing. A knee-jerk “like for like” exchange
doesn’t account for differences in resources, intent or ability. Your neighbor
likes to bake, is good at it, and enjoys her gift-giving rounds of the
neighborhood. You don’t, but feel compelled to reciprocate anyway. Result:
stress!
Know where your comfort limits lie on the issue of reciprocity, and
prepare accordingly. If you’re a fervent believer in the principle, set aside a
few “just in case” generic gifts before the season to be ready for the
inevitable surprise presents.
If you’re more relaxed about the issue, focus on your response, not
reciprocity; it’s likely to be the payback the giver will value most. Your
neighbor will leave your home glowing when you clap your hands, damn your diet
and insist on sampling the breads right then and there, along with a cup of tea
and a good chat.
Even-Steven
You’re a veteran shopper of outlet malls, and this year, you scored the
perfect gift for your fashionista sister: a luxurious natural-fiber sweater
marked down to a bargain price. Wrapping the sweater for the family gift box,
you pause. Laid out next to the book you’re giving your brother, the sweater’s
inequity strikes you—even though you paid the same amount for each gift.
What do you do? Add a gift card to brother’s gift? Set the sweater
aside for Sis’s birthday to avoid a comparison? Give the gifts as they are?
Welcome to the slippery world of Even-Steven!
The notion that gift exchanges must be of equal value has as many heads
as a sack of snakes.
If your version of the rule declares that gifts must be of equal value,
how do you decide what “value” is? Full retail price or the actual amount
spent? For homemade gifts, do you consider cost of materials or the time spent
to create them?
More important, how will you assess your end of the exchange? Will you
be disappointed if your sister’s gift to you is more modest, less “valuable”
than that perfect sweater?
Be aware: Even-Steven calculations can be a flashpoint for holiday
conflict, especially if there are status or financial differences between
parties to the exchange.
An affluent auntie can cause resentment with lavish gifts to her
nephews, if the children’s parents can’t afford to match or reciprocate her
largesse. A well-meaning boss can ruin office morale if she chooses an
inappropriate employee gift: a $25 gift certificate to her favorite boutique,
where even the toilet water starts at $40. A family member who plays by the law
of averages ("I gave a big gift last year, so will scale back this
year!") can bump up against a loved one's preferences for year-by-year
equality, to hurt feelings all round.
Think carefully about how you assess value when giving. Embracing a
more flexible measuring stick is a powerful holiday stress-buster, even when
other parties to the exchange may not hold the same view. Divorcing
considerations of what you paid, what else you gave, and what you got in return
allows you to reach for the true values of connection and gratitude that,
ideally, underlie the practice of giving gifts.
Once begun, never undone
It was a nice idea, that first year after you moved across the country:
sending gift baskets of local specialty foods to the folks in your old
neighborhood. The second year, they sent you a box of your favorite sweets.
Five years later, the packages are still jetting from coast to coast. What will
you send this year?
Examine where you stand on the notion of longevity in gift exchanges.
If you feel that once begun, gift exchanges should continue from year to year,
think carefully about beginning new ones. Since you value the continuity that
the ongoing exchange provides, be sure that the exchanges celebrate your
deepest relationships—and the other party shares your view.
If you’re more comfortable with a dynamic view of exchange longevity,
send the neighbors a lovely card this year and breathe easier. Chances are,
they’ll be relieved that you’ve called a halt to an exchange whose time has
come … and gone.
Come one, come all
Who is included on your gift list? If you give a gift to one member of
a group—family, friends, co-workers—do you believe you must you give equal
gifts to all?
For example, Christmas at the in-laws’ house is rich in tradition.
There’s oyster stew on Christmas Eve, plum pudding for dessert—and a Christmas
morning gift exchange among all five children. And their spouses. And their
children.
Coming up with more than 20 gifts each year wracks your brain and
wrecks your budget. You’d love to scale back the annual extravaganza, but you
know that your husband would object—strenuously. That towering annual pile of
presents? It’s a family tradition--and a classic issue of "come one, come
all" when it comes to gift-giving.
Family history and tradition will play a part in where you fall on the
equality spectrum, and there are no right answers.
For many, the act of giving one-to-one is central to their expression
of the holidays. If scaling back the number of gifts or giving selectively
feels wrong, consider setting cost limits to reduce the burden of celebrating
all those relationships.
Others find that scaling back group gifts by drawing names, white
elephant exchanges or an informal “no gifts” agreement enhances their holiday
and reduces seasonal stress.
For them, the trick is to negotiate the change in a loving way, and to
understand that others may feel more invested in individual gifting than they
do.
Knowledge is power
When it comes to the unwritten rules of gift-giving, there is only one
right answer: the one that is right for you! By taking a long, hard look at the
beliefs that underlie your giving decisions, you empower yourself to give consciously,
in harmony with your own values. By knowing where you stand on these issues,
you'll be able to address any conflicts with others in a loving, measured way.
Unwritten or not, there are rules to giving and receiving gifts. Know
where you stand ... to simplify your holidays and celebrate the season!
Today's Recipe
What's the first empty space in the holiday cookie tray? It's the one
where you find Mexican Wedding Cakes: tender, melting cookies that look just
like snowballs!
To make these pretty cookies, sometimes called Snowballs, rich
shortbread dough is studded with nuts, rolled in balls, and coated in powdered sugar
while warm.
Mexican Wedding Cakes can be made ahead. To make ahead, bake as
directed, layer into freezer food storage containers, then freeze. Before
serving, dust thawed cookies with a fresh coat of powdered sugar.
Tender, melting shortbread cookies shaped like snowballs, Mexican
Wedding Cakes will brighten holiday cookie trays.
Shaped, baked and rolled in powdered sugar while warm, Mexican Wedding
Cakes have a rich, crumbly texture plumped with pecan flavor.
These sturdy cookies freeze well, so long as they're dusted with a
fresh layer of powdered sugar after being thawed.
Ingredients
1⁄2 cupbutter, unsalted
1⁄2 cupshortening
1 1⁄2 cuppowdered sugar, sifted and divided
1⁄4 teaspoonsalt
1 teaspoonvanilla extract
2 cupsflour, all-purpose
1 1⁄2 cupwalnuts, chopped
Instructions
Preheat oven to 325 degrees.
Beat butter, shortening and one cup powdered sugar until fluffy.
Add salt and vanilla, and beat well. Stir in flour, 1/3 at a time. Mix
in nuts.
Shape dough into 1" balls. Bake for 20 - 30 minutes, until lightly
colored.
While warm, roll in remaining one-half cup powdered sugar, and cool on
a wire rack. When cool, roll in remaining sugar.
Notes
To freeze, layer Mexican Wedding Cakes in freezer food storage
containers in rows separated by sheets of waxed paper. Cookies will stay fresh
from 4 to 6 weeks. After thawing, roll cookies in powdered sugar before
serving.
